If you're reading this, you probably know me, which means you probably know that my husband, Patrick, died by suicide on November 29th. It feels weird and stupid to be writing this here. But I feel like I want to say something. So I guess this is my way of putting things out there. I'm … Continue reading aftermath
Do you ever think about deleting it all?
I've been chained to my phone lately, my face washed in blue light every evening as I scroll and scroll, on the brink. I want it to be a magic mirror. I want it to speak to me, to give me comfort or answers. Of course it cannot and will never do those things. I … Continue reading Do you ever think about deleting it all?
My name tag said “Volunteer”, but I was working there. I was a tutor in the Homework Center, an after-school program at the public library for kids K-8 to come and get help with homework or practice their reading and math skills. They’d run out of “Tutor” tags before I started. I was given a … Continue reading Homework
Talking to Strangers
“Are you a detective?” A guy sitting a few seats down at the bar asks this question to my friend, who has just finished scribbling a few lines in a small flip notebook. “No,” my friend answers. He slides the notebook back into his breast pocket. “You should’ve said yes,” I tell him. “You have … Continue reading Talking to Strangers
I’ve always been leery of a suburban existence. Think: house with a half-dozen bedrooms, two living rooms, bar in the basement, recessed lighting. High ceilings and sprawling, plain grass lawns. Open-concept kitchen. You know what I mean. Foyers trigger my fight-or-flight. So I told myself when we moved into this house that it was still … Continue reading Suburban
In Mundo Cervorum
On a warm day in early November, I walk from the paved Metroparks path that runs parallel to the road, and step into the shade where a new path forks off, marked with a “no bikes” sign. My baby is asleep in her wrap, warm against my body. Carrying her like this reminds me of … Continue reading In Mundo Cervorum
Dear Diary / Dear Stranger / Dear Void
Remember those “Dear America” books in middle school? They were fictional diaries from the point of view of young characters living through historical events. Those books cycled through the school library like nobody’s business, and I was certainly one of the girls who pawed through them many times, further fraying the ribbon bookmark that came … Continue reading Dear Diary / Dear Stranger / Dear Void
a view from the other side
I had begun to feel like nothing would change. Like we would be forever stuck in an era of "These Uncertain Times" or what-the-fuck-ever. (There are many phrases I'd love to never hear again, thanks.) But of course, change happened. As it always does. I found out just after New Year's that I'm pregnant, due … Continue reading a view from the other side
Plague Diary, Part 5: “Are You Ready?”
August & September 2020 The three of us—Patrick, me, and our friend Jake—piled into my car for an Ohio road trip. It was early August. I sat in the backseat, the guys in the front. Patrick drove while Jake and I took turns playing music. “God, it just feels good to be going somewhere,” Jake … Continue reading Plague Diary, Part 5: “Are You Ready?”